Kevlar Tuxedo

HEROES OF HISTORY

2007-12-29T02:45:00.001-05:00

I wish I were consistent enough to blog weekly. I have enough material, but I'm just too lazy. Isn't that weird, how one can be too lazy to do something that's pleasurable? Anyhell, this week is HEROES OF HISTORY, and our hero is 19th century American physician Samuel A. Cartwright.

Born in Fairfax, Virginia in 1793, Samuel Cartwright was a prominent military surgeon in the Confederate states who was noted for his work on Asiatic Cholera and yellow fever. His real passion, however, was---wait for it---"The Diseases and Peculiarities of the Negro Race." (also the title of his seminal work.) One has to ask, exactly what are these "peculiarities" and "diseases"? Well, Cartwright's work focused on two diseases in particular, twin scourges of the antebellum south: Drapetomania and the potentially fatal Dysaethesia Aethiopica.

(At this point, it's of crucial importance that you try to maintain an objective, scientific attitude, as well as a straight face. Scratch that, I double-dog dare you to keep a straight face.)

Drapetomania was the psychological condition that caused slaves to flee captivity.

I shit thee not. There's more.

Dysaethesia Aethiopica, also known as "Rascality", was a psychiatric condition proposed as a theory to describe laziness among slaves.
Definitions courtesy of my lovely, blonde assistant, Wikipedia.

For me, the significance of these diagnoses is the indication of just how deeply embedded racism was at the time; upon noticing that slaves sometimes ran away, or didn't feel like working, Cartwright went so far as to suggest that they were simply diseased and needed medical attention. It doesn't seem to occur to him that working in the fields is hard and perhaps depressing work, or that being treated like property is just as unsuitable for a black man as it is for a white woman. No, no, these "rascal" slaves simply suffered from a chronic inability to know their own place. Still, Cartwright offers hope in the form of treatment and therapy for these "diseases". To prevent Drapetomania in slaves, he simply recommends that slave owners refrain from "treating their slaves as equals". The exotic-sounding Dysaethesia Aethiopica, characterized by an insensitivity of the skin, (insensitive to whippings?) could be cured by "washing the skin with warm water and soap, anointing the skin with oil, beating the oil in with a broad leather strap, then putting the patient to hard work in the sunshine."

That's right, folks. If he still won't work when you beat him, wash him off, oil him up so his skin is baby soft, and beat the devil out of him.

It's important to note that these theories pre-date psychology as we know it by perhaps 20 or 30 years, so actually calling them psychological or psychiatric conditions isn't entirely correct.

I tried hard to crack wise in this post, but the subject matter is too hilarious on its own.

Thoughts?

Skeevetastic Platinum Plastic

2007-08-30T00:35:00.000-04:00

Right on the heels of my last post, yet another republican-of-some-importance has made the news for his skeevetastic achievements. Sen. Larry Craig was arrested for Lewd Conduct in the men's room of a Minnesota airport back in June. (NNDB.com) I don't recall hearing anything about it, do you? That's because he plead out to the lesser charge of Disorderly Conduct and paid a $500 fine in the hopes of keeping it as quiet as possible. The 10-day sentence was suspended.

According to the arresting officer, Craig repeatedly tried to get the plainclothes officer to engage in lewd contact by gesturing underneath the bathroom stall and brushing his shoe up against the officer's shoe. Contrast this with another recent incident which is skeevy in the extreme: Florida state GOP Rep Robert Allen was arrested for offering a plainclothes officer $20 and a bj. His excuse? "This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park," Allen, who is white, told police in a taped statement after his arrest. Allen said he feared he "was about to be a statistic" and would have said anything just to get away.[...]" (Orlando Sentinel) That's right folks, the Big Black Guys made him do it. Honest.
And freels, if you ever find yourself cornered by a bunch of black guys, I suggest you drop to your knees and make the same proposition.

I will likely never tire of this topic, (and it seems I will never run out of hot gossip to report) so I will be making Skeevetastic a regular column; at least as regularly as things like this happen.
Personally, I'm still waiting for Ted Haggard to go out and "reoffend".

It occurs to me, though, that these men are part of a disenfranchised, maligned, and oft-misunderstood minority-- Gay Ultraconservatives. I'm not talking Log Cabin Republicans. I mean those men who would vote or preach down anything that smacked of gay-affirming legislation without a second thought. Who are we to judge when these men, pillars of American virtue and the principles that make America great, want to get it on in public restrooms with complete strangers? We must defend their rights as skeevebags as fiercely as we defend the rights of free speech and "women's suffrage". I, for one, will take up the cause. Help me spearhead the campaign to support Ultra-homo-conservatives. They need, they DESERVE your help.

Could you..umm...thanx.

2006-10-20T00:56:00.000-04:00

He's tall and rather handsome, and he speaks sooooo well for a....oops, I mean, he's quite an orator. President of Harvard Law Review, U.S. Senator, homegrown wisdom, endless work for charity---great.
Hello!? Barack Obama is as useless and shady as any other politician, and that is why he speaks the same language they all do: preaching "unity", God wants this and that for America and we can fix everything with a little faith. Please to stop putting the hope of a country on one man's charisma and resumé.

So if you could, umm, hell up* about him and move on with your life, that'd be great.

*Brought to you by the commission to bring back the expression "hell up". Ask how you can join.

A few things that have touched my heart recently.

2006-10-13T02:18:00.000-04:00

Best...Commercial....EVER.

Runner up, and the award for best soundtrack goes to...

I want to be married one day, (Tyrannical Fascist government willing) and I sincerely hope to be wearing this ring to seal the deal. If you are familiar with the "Hank Reardon" bracelet, this architect takes the concept to a whole new level. girl. CLick the pic to visit her awesome website, and make sure to have some downbeat electronica playing on your stereo.

She also does lovely pattern work:

Unacceptable.

2006-09-24T04:38:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen this clip yet, here you go. "Jesus Camp" is a documentary that is critical of the camp featured in the documentary.

For a clue into my own religious background, there is really no better example. I was fortunate enough never to go to a camp of this magnitude of horror, but every practice (and more) you see in this video was a guaranteed mass occurrence at every church service I attended until I was 16. I had given up on it almost completely by 14, but until I was too large to be physically dragged or beaten until I went, I had to endure it.

Umm, yeah. As far as I'm concerned, this is child abuse. Parents are (allegedly) in charge of teaching their children to deal/cope with reality. These parents, however, think it's more important to emotionally manipulate and over-stimulate their children in order to feed them lies about their own humanity. How far out of touch with themselves will some of these children be in their teens? When one of the little girls has a pregnancy she is in no way ready to carry to term or raise, will she have the wherewithal to see that abortion is her best option, or will she even consider it since she prophesied as a child that abortion in America would be "NO MORE"? At least one of the kids on this tape or at this camp is a future homosexual, because we come from every walk of life. Will he be a danger to himself or others because he is in so much conflict that he boils with rage whenever he experiences something as natural as his own lust? At the very least, he will break a few hearts, because when you pray, the gay does not go away.

This saddens me because none of this is possible without completely denigrating and vilifying the very humanity of these children. Without shame, fear and guilt you cannot convince a confident, pleasure seeking, self-affirming being to believe these outrageous things. This saddens me because I love human beings. You will never hear me express the loathsome, thoughtless, and downright lazy sentiment "people are stupid". To do so would be as abominable as what you see in the above embed.

For anyone who feels that a term as indefinite as "stupidity" is sufficient to explain any human dilemma....
For anyone who has ever concluded that socialism doesn't work out because people aren't as good as the ideas of one man...
For anyone who has accepted that a woman's act brought about man's fall from grace...
For anyone who treats sex as a necessary evil...
For anyone who has ever lied to or assaulted a child because you didn't want to have to outsmart it ,and didn't think it could respond to clarity and consistency of direction...
For anyone who thinks that the earth would be better off without human activity because we disturb some kind of "balance"...
For anyone who believes that certain cultures just don't need "our kind of freedom", because protecting their culture is somehow more important than preserving the human beings suffocating within it ...
For anyone who tolerates the highly offensive idea of deity itself, that there is something higher than humanity which can enjoy the title without even fighting for it...

To condemn or otherwise degrade humanity or human nature is the worst evil anyone can commit, as it is no different than the vicious lie of orginal sin, which happens to be what makes everything in that disgusting video possible.

Oh girl. (mixed bag edition)

2006-09-22T15:09:00.000-04:00

So does anyone wanna explain to me why the Hell her new album is entitled bidet?
You look amazing girl, but potty humor does Not suit you.

Oh girl, Ghent is SO gay!
How gay IS it??
Ghent is so gay, that instead of 21st street, the signs say 21th street! (I'm not making this up, If I had my camera i'd have proof right here where this disclaimer is)

So you've probably seen those VW commercials where a group of friends are riding around chit-chatting and whatnot, when suddenly they are rocked by an oncoming car they didn't see. My favorite has to be where the 4 guys are all talking about Viagra, but no one actually mentions what they're talking about. It just starts off with "So they say if it lasts for more than 4 hours, call 911.
It made me think of how far we've come in terms of "decency" on television, far enough that douche, tampons, condoms, and even as obscure a phenomenon as priapism are all fair game. I find the erectile dysfunction commercials especially hilarious, because it's not just innuendo on tv, it's Old People innuendo on tv.

Today I was walking and I saw a transient individual. he was looking at the ground as he walked, so he didn't see me. Suddenly, he broke out into some sort of Fred Astare shuffle, went heel-toe heel-toe, sashayed for 4 steps, and did a complete turn, at which point he was in a position to see me staring directly at him, slack jawed and a little humbled. He quickly collected himself, looked back at the ground, and went on his way.
You just never know, do you?

Whoooo Boy (Oh girl wouldn't touch this one)

2006-09-09T16:04:00.000-04:00

The thing is, I would do most of these things for someone I loved, that's no big deal at all. This article is rooted, however, in the mentality that society depends on this specific code of interaction between men and women. It is not out of love, but duty that social mores like these are generated. This is why the question of a different kind of home is never asked. Maybe there are 2 incomes. (unheard of in 1955, unless of course you were poor----then it was a perfectly conceivable reality for you) Of course, the case of the stay-at-home dad was not even a fantasy back then, so we won't go there. Two mommies? Two daddies? absolutely not. (Even though gays and lesbians existed then as they do now, and made homes together) Is it really any wonder that there's a more than %50 divorce rate---look at the baggage every traditional marriage has to carry, with all of the duty talk and pre-fab constructions of married life, who's thinking clearly about whether marriage (and or children) is right for them, right then?
People pray to JESUS to save their marriages, as if he has ANYTHING to do with either spouse's shortcomings.

I watched an excellent documentary the other day titled Three of Hearts.
It's about, you guessed it, a menage a trois, but in the more traditional sense of the expression-- 3 people making a home together. 2 bisexual men in their late twenties with a 7 year relationship under their belts decide they would like to bring a woman into the mix. They date around for a bit and find Samantha, a gorgeous, 22 year old aspiring actress from Canada. These three lively spirits are all attracted to each other, and proceed to spend the next THIRTEEN years together--including several apartments in New York, a thriving day-spa they build from the ground up, 2 kids, and a dog. How is this possible, you ask? how can 3 people cohabitate romantically for more than a decade? Without revealing too much about the documentary, there's a simple principle at work. I'll give anyone who wants to a week to watch it (i got it randomly @ the Naro Expanded, it is fascinating) and I'll talk more about it next time.

Turn for the worse

2006-02-05T21:08:00.000-05:00

I have a serious concern that demands expression, because it is burning me up and more because it affects everyone's life directly.

I'll start with the particulars. I work for a non-profit organization that promotes string playing and chamber music among children, exceptionally gifted and otherwise. The program is very dear to my heart as I am an alumnus as well as an employee; my musical development would have been drastically different had it not been for the rigours and opportunities this program provided to me, a public school student who does not come from a family familiar with the classical arts. I noticed variations in the quality of the program and its students over the years, but in general, the level of achievement remained very high thanks to the talent and tireless efforts of its music directors. Many people felt that it was the strongest program of its kind in the area, and the strongest among music programs area-wide.

Now that I work behind the scenes at the program , I better understand what goes into it and the hardships it faces each year. Finding donors, housing, staff, music, and students are the biggest challenges. I want to focus, however, on the problem the program is having with finding and retaining the highest level of music student.
For some time now, there has been a talent-drain slowly leaking the life out of the program--the most gifted and ambitious students are leaving the program in droves and no one is quite sure what to do about it, although the effect the drain is having on the quality of the ensemble is undeniable. For years, the program was known for a signature quality of sound and crafting, a quality unheard in student groups in the area. This quality was what drew even stronger students in greater numbers, as they flocked to reap the benefits of associating with players of like-caliber.

That isn't happening anymore, and I can only attest to the symptoms I see that might point to causes. The program suffers from a very tight budget, but being non-profit that is to be expected, and anyway there is a per-semester tuition fee that girds (although slightly) the budget. A general disorganisation has plagued the program since it's administration staff lost it's more organizationally-minded manager--This may or may not explain, however, why the outside consultation hired to teach the students is quite often missing in action, basically failing to show or call when they agreed to taking the gig and the fee. Finding a place to house the program has been notoriously bad, as after a falling out with an umbrella organization a few years ago (when I was in high school) left the program on the street and renting or being donated time in area churches. All these hang-ups contributed to an atmosphere of confusion and stagnation within the program. Students were not eager to show for 3-hour rehearsals when they knew that it might be canceled because the church or building changed its mind last-minute, or because they knew that the chances of their coach not showing were pretty good. With fewer people showing up on time or at all, more students would quit, tired of hacked-up quartet rehearsals, and too few of those before a performance, most of those without a coach. THe extremely serious students are the first to go, having little patience for educational situations that do not greatly enhance their abilities.

The drain continues to cripple the prgram, and at present it is at its lowest in terms of quality and potential. The students entered by audition only, and were almost always recommended by private studio teachers. (This is how I became involved, through my weekly teacher) Now, with the strong students driven from the program, the method of selection has become drastically different. The audition process has turned to the public sphere, encouraging public school orchestra teachers to recommend the program to their students. Many of the students do not study privately (at least apparently) and as such have no concept of themselves as players outside of the orchestral ensemble. At first hearing you would not be able to distinguish the sound from that of a decent sounding high-school orchestra. (The difference being that the average age is significantly lower) This in turn does nothing to draw strong students in.There was a time when the program could boast of being a real service to every student, something worth pursuing. Now, it must rely, no, lean on the remaining strong players to carry the ensembles. The program has degenerated to using its strong students instead of genuinely promoting them, a practice I do not condone, as many other area programs have done it for years ando ours provided a haven from that sort of trap.

THe very point of my grievance is here: now that the program is essentially in bed with the public programs, in terms of students and now even musical staff, (!) a foul, familiar phenomenon is occuring--the public school orchestra teachers are now attempting to exert leverage on the program's operations. The public school orchestra students that are in the program are finding that (even in its worst shape) it is better, more rewarding, and consequently more fun than their school orchestra classes. A number of them have already defected from their classes and use the program as their primary musical outlet. The school orchestras are losing their stronger players to a similar talent-drain, and the orchestra programs (like ALL "public" entities) are feeling the pinch because they rely on their strongest students to validate and justify the existence of such a class. Without self-motivated and driven individuals, the classes are obviously pointless, and any clamoring for "music in the schools" funding seems utterly ridiculous.
Understandably, the more vocal public school music teachers are already demanding that our program expel any student that does not participate in his school orchestra, and deny entry to others in the same situation. Can you imagine the spectacle of a public school teacher, held up to us as the hope of all our futures and the most valuable resource in our society, demanding that a student NOT PURSUE or BE EXPELLED FROM a program with the potential to greatly promote his individual achievement? Take a moment and try, i swear to God it's horrifying and beyond reprehensible in real life. I myself was a victim of this belligerence, as I also participated in a youth symphonic orchestra program that has long been in cahoots with the public schools, and in order to hold onto that enriching, resume-padding, fun and opportunity-laden experience I stuck with my high school orchestra, bored to tears for hours at a time, wasting bells that could have been spent promoting myself academically. Of course, there were my friends in school orchestra class, and the trips and goofing around with them were fun, but guess what---I BARELY REMEMBER ANY OF THOSE TIMES NOW THAT I'M AN ADULT. This is because those moments had to serve as diversions instead of genuinely constructive relationships. But I loved youth orchestra, and I stuck it out for that reason only.
Now the same thing is happening to the program that meant the most to me in my younger years, my chamber music program. It is only going to exacerbate the effect of the talent-drain that has already done so much damage.

Doesn't it strike ANYONE as weird---taxes pay for the school programs, the school programs don't do well (they cannot by design, the model is simply wrong, you do not teach an intricate craft to 30-40 kids simultaneously, you merely get them to ape your suggestions) and all along people are giving less to non-profits (people of average income) because they are paying so much in taxes and need to believe, blindly, that they're getting their money's worth. In effect, it's the public school programs that are CAUSING the talent-drain to begin with---being tax funded, they set themselves up as the center of any universe they enter. Public education is the center of the universe of american education--most kids go there, everybody's working to improve it without even questioning whether it can be, it's always among the biggest propoganda subjects come election time. If you want to send a child to private school, you still have to pay as if you have a child (or two) in public school. Tax credits? Why do i need a credit for something I didn't intend to buy in the first place, and how can anyone calculate how much money a person gets back by not using the public schools? (you can't. no one who can afford it pays precisely the cost of publically educating their exact number of children; remember, people who don't pay taxes also go to school, people who can't quite afford the cost still go to school, and all schools have differing operating costs.)

Why are we corroding what's good in favor of what's...public?

La Reponse

2006-01-08T23:46:00.000-05:00

God it's been forever! yeesh- But I realized that I hadn't finished the last post which was a sort of "riddle".
So did ya pick up on it?
I had a dilemma in the poker game-- how to get my friend in on the action and keep my wealthy friends appeased that they weren't being asked to give a guy money with which to play poker.
I printed up worthless chips and defrauded my other friends into accepting their representation of money---I "inflated" my currency. Everyone's happy (for now) and no one is the wiser, save me. How does this relate to our actual lives? let's see.

Have you ever looked for a definition of the word "inflation"?
As a kid it was something that boggled my mind-- as an elementary school student I basically believed that bills and coins were pumped full of air, and that justifiably angered people. As I got older, by middle school, I knew that it meant you could not buy a candy bar for the same amount of money that one's grandparents remember buying them for, that things just "got more expensive" This didn't make any sense, but no one I asked could help me further my knowledge of it. (especially my teachers!!!) By high school, I still had the same foggy "conception" of inflation, but I was also aware that it was a problem that was capable of starving entire nations, not just disenfranchising the frugal from good candy bars. In college, my economics books and professors informed me that inflation is simply the general rise in prices. But, by the end of high school, I'd already read Anthem, The Fountainhead, and Atlas Shrugged---I knew that there was a definition for the word, and that the one in my economics books amounted to (inflation is no one's fault and is only a pesky effect of market economics, to be anticipated and mitigated using sophisticated charts and graphs, and reliance on the predictions of a mysterious man known as the Federal Reserve Chairman)

The unfortunate thing about all the misconceptions i held is that they are the most dangerous kind of misconception: those that do contain kernels or splinters of insight into the truth--symptoms that can be mistaken for the disease.

Inflation in real life is just what it was in our poker game---money printed to represent worth,value that doesn't exist.
This causes all of the symptoms I noticed ( that I think everyone notices) growing up. When the money suppply (read: the bankroll) is polluted with money that has no worth besides the paper it's printed on, everyone's money loses some worth when they accept it. (Were it not for money, which represents values: goods that are inconvenient to carry or are perishable, or services that don't exist until someone performs them, it'd be almost impossible to commit fraud--nobody's gonna buy a pig they can't see.) Now, candy bars cost more than they did when grammy was a kid, people are angry because they are helpless to fight a change that affects their everyday lives, and they must conclude that such is the nature of money, bitterly.

Why would anyone do something so obviously harmful to everyone, now and into the future?
Why did I do it in the poker game? Answer one question and answer both.
I wanted to help someone less fortunate than myself, and more importantly, I wanted everyone else to help someone less fortunate than they. I didn't have the money to put where my charitable mouth was, and I had to trick everyone else into helping out, since I couldn't guilt them into doing it.

We inflate our currency to give money to people who do not have it, without having to force folks to give it up, which they wouldn't do easily or quietly. Everytime you hear about a new (or old) "social problem" that neeeds a govt program or grant, think back to that huuuuuuge deficit you're always hearing about. (Ignore politicians who claim to have generated a budget "surplus", what they mean, what they know they mean, is that without consideration of the massive deficit, the administration has not run over the budget that they defined for their particular policy agenda. but debt don't just go away)
That gi-normous number you hear that is owed, without knowing to whom or why. How do we fund anything when we are so deep in the hole? Print more money, cover that hole with a roof of straw, and move on. Everybody gets what they wanted, right?
Ask just about anyone today, in a casual, off hand manner, if they think that the poor should be helped. Will they say no?
Ask anyone if they believe everyone deserves a basic education, and help with a college one? Will they say no?
Ask anyone if they believe that no one should ever have to pay for healthcare, just like in Sweden? Will they say no?

People, asked off-hand, will not answer "no" to this question because to do so would suggest ill-will towards the poor and needy. ( which is a larger philosophical issue fer later)
Ask yourself, in light of what i've said about the nature and effects of inflation, if the practice is really good for the less fortunate.
I mean, it makes prices rise on everything, which doesn't hurt the wealthy nearly a much as it does the poor. This in turn makes life harder for the poor, makes a life at the lower end of the income spectrum more bitter and angry, and does not move them at all from the status of "poor", it just extends them some buying power for the moment. And when the prices rise because everyone's money now buys less, because producers must spend more to make the same stuff, buying the basic things for everyday life (it is no accident that economics decides how bad inflation is based on a "goods basket" of arbitrarily collected "necessary" goods) and it also becomes harder for the poor and their children to become producers, because entrepreneurial loans now cost more. (this is why we have an FRC, it was ALan Greenspan's job to decide whether to raise or lower federal interest rates to protect established producer's buying power, or encourage the little guy to become a producer.) Inflation, intended to help the poor, keeps the poor, well, poor. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and that ain't just an old cliche. Intend whatever you want, if you undertake an action on irrational, poorly thought out, emotionally-driven, i.e. bad premises, you'll likely cause the opposite of your intentions.

The lesson here is manifold--that people truly do need the right to their property, (no inflating away their buying power) that charity is not the first absolute of life , and that lies destroy wealth.

So how do we fix this? How do we get to a society that respects property rights as the first absolute, when we've inflated things out of control? (we're not on a gold standard, so the rate of inflation at this point puts everyone in the red just for having money)
How could we? Everyone's money is worthless in the longterm, and who knows how much different people have lost to inflation, and what will we look to in an emergency? (dependent completely on how stable our economy is, and
9-11, the war on Iraq, and hurricane Katrina should demonstrate that life is full of surprises no matter what--prices are so high, especially on housing, that to lose everything means probably never getting any of it back)
What if you're a kid who needs to get out from underneath his oppressive parents, and while you're willing to work and go to school, it's so expensive that no job you could hold could help you pay for it whle going to classes. The government extends you a subsidized student loan, which is made possible by income tax and inflation again, and you go into serious debt to pay for your education, to be paid for over the years with money that is worth less and less.
How can there be any solution to a problem that distorts every part of life?

To simply try and revert the wealth to its reightful owners is impossible, no one knows who is owwed what, and not all of the debt can be precisely calculated because it cost people time.
To quit the practice cold turkey would force innumerable people into the cold, from welfare recipients to the lower middle class, because their money is worthless and they have little material holding to depend on when that fact is nationally recognised and accepted.
But that's how falsehoods are. When you fake reality, nothing you do is concrete or reliable. One cannot build a house on a foundation of sand without it betraying you after while. You can't lie to a girl about your wealth and your success and ever expect to be able to bring her home to your hovel of an apartment.
To get out of this predicament of ours, it's gonna hurt--but we have to do it, if we hope to eradicate poverty, to raise the standard of living permanently by making more and better products, tools, and services for less, not more.
what'll it be like? I don't know, there're too many variables to consider, but I do know that every single one of them will be unpleasant.

Party Tricks

2005-06-03T14:45:00.000-04:00

I enjoy going out with friends and having interesting, provocative, or even shocking things to relate over dinner. In fact, I'm not at all extroverted or talkative unless I'm saying something funny, or that I would at least find intriguing if someone else were speaking. I'm always pleased when I can amuse, inform, charm, and elucidate a captive group of people with something that did all those things for me.

That said, I present my next idea for delightful party favor. I am taking up the challenge of explaining the most important issue in any society to whatever group I happen to be hanging out with, in a way that is neither boring nor, at least apparently, didactic.

I'd like to use the poker game analogy, expanded considerably, a device I may very well have borrowed (in rudimentary form) from the late great Ayn Rand.

I like using poker because: it involves money and value, incredible risk, emotional tension, and considerable mental skill. Even though it is ultimately gambling, unlike most gambling, it involves risk and resource management, like life.

So friends, let's say we've agreed to a Saturday night game of Texas Hold'em. I'm not really a gamer, so I don't know exactly how many people would need to be involved, so let's just say that all present company is invited. We're a fantastically affluent bunch of fuckers, and we've set the pot at a $1million, a measly $200,000 per person. (5 people are playing now)

Now, I'm a classy, pretentious mother fucker, with aspirations to become moreso everyday, so I suggest ordering very fine poker chips from a pricey website I heard about on the ESPN World Poker Tour. There's some protest, but I charm you into giving me the money for the chips up front, because "everyone will benefit from it in the end." I buy the chips and I pool the bank in a new account for our purposes. (let's pretend you could put all that in just one bank)

It just so happens a $200,000 bank role is simply too rich for the blood of perhaps one or two individuals aiming to join our little party. (They're friends too.) I, the organizer of the game, and now the banker as well, am aware of this. Caring and magnanimous fucker that I am, I suggest to the rest of the players that they all offer a small cut of their bank role to the two disadvantaged individuals, merely decreasing the bank roles everyone has to work with while increasing the amount of fun we'll have with all friends present. Some are ok with the idea, and others object, because they don't want extra competition without extra potential winnings, and because they don't want to finance their own competitors, it defeats the Purpose of the Game. I make every argument I can, that it's everyone's right to enjoy a game of poker with their friends, free from the anxiety of having too little money. We should make an effort to extend our privelege to others as often as possible, because that's the human thing to do. We are, after all, tribal animals--hunter gatherers--and nothing we have was truly earned solely on our own merits.

Oh no he didn't.
The discussion gets real hot when I go there.

"A poker game's not a right, and certainly having the cash for one isn't either," someone says.
"Who the hell are you to tell me what I ought to give to people, and how much to boot?" someone else interjects, with the mock indignity that is so typical of selfish, oppressive right-wingers.

I realize now that I've hit a nerve with my wealthy companions, and should probably withdraw the suggestion all together.
It's really not my fault at all, i had an awesome idea, there's just no grassroots willingness to participate in my big weekend poker-game-turned-charity-project, it's just the rotten bastard nature of American culture, no love at all. Shit, this would never have happened in Canada.

So I'm all out of ammunition now, I couldn't guilt them into giving in to me erumm charity, (they must not have consciences, or something) I can't force them at gunpoint because it's just a poker game and that'd be silly, (although not entirely unappealing) but I really want my less advantaged friends to play, and on a level playing field.

Eureka.

I'll just give them chips anyway, and let them sit on down and have a good time.
Now, the original pot is $1million, and that's all I've been given money to buy.
But I need more chips so that everyone can have $200,000 worth to start.

I can break out some old chips from years back, and toss them into the pot, and, even better, I'll make some of my own to fill out the rest of what's lacking.

Damn, there's still only $1million actually available to bank. I've ordered and made chips for $1.4million. Well then, the new bank is $1.4million. ($1mil plus 200 grand for each less-than-priveleged buddy) That's settled. I am a brilliant planner, this is sure.

Saturday night comes, and everyone shows up ready to party. There is no shortage of surprised facial expressions: at the newly jacked up bank, the arrival of some unexpected players, and the freshly minted paper and used chips mingling with the brand new ESPN-WPT edition set.

Dammit, I've done it. This night could not be more perfect--I got what I wanted, and everyone got what they deserved.
How dooooo I do it?

I'll give you a sec to come up with your own answer to that question, (which I'm sure will not take more than a second) and mine will be in the very next post.

Till then, ciao fuckers!

I don't vent often because it doesn't make for good reading, but I needed this today...

2005-02-07T17:05:00.000-05:00

Whenever I look at my father, and I do so rarely, all I feel is wave upon wave of revulsion. It's been that way for as long as I can remember. Often, there is a splash of hatred as well, blinding anger, and even murderous rage. To look upon him is to look upon complete and utter defeat, no grace could ever save what little is left of him. To look at his face, directly into his eyes, which I can hardly EVER do, is to be confronted with the notion that there is such a being a "Father Time", and that he will take a shovel to your face if he sees fit. Imagine, Michaelangelo's David or the Mona Lisa, works declaring the triumph and beauty of humanity, working in reverse-- describing, with every small detail, the absolute lowest a human being can go while still being alive. This is how I know my father, this is the only way I have ever known him.
What is it that can drive a man from his natural inheritance to this?
What can turn off the natural will to achieve, to add positives to life?
It is not even an issue of someone who is out to destroy, to turn positives into negatives--it is a person who seeks only to do enough to zero out.
It's so foolish, how my father thinks that he is a burden to no one, that all is forgiven, and that he needn't worry or feel guilty at all. Or does he feel worried and guilty all the time, and this is the source of his impotence?Is it that he is so scared of responsibility, of any sort, that he is compelled to simply rot away his years with hi elderly parents?
I'm so angry because I come home every day, and there he is, just around and about. Having to constantly see something that is so pathetic, so loathsome, and realize that you will be associated with it for the rest of your life is almost too much to bear. It shouldn't be, because i shouldn't even care about who will associate me with something i don't associate with. but the feeling is still there.
Is it that a lifetime of depression has made it impossible for him to get up and move? Do I have the right to despise him the way I do if he is simply suffering from something I once suffered from?
The only difference between us is that when I could take it no more, I sought help. God knows i'm a proud, proud, stubborn man, but I hoped that there was better living for me and I went out in search of it.
What has he done? He's watched so many years of tv, read so many reams of local newspapers and exposed himself to so much literary trash that his mind is a soggy purse of useless, often outdated facts, generalities, assumptions, vulgarities, half-digested biblical proverbs, pre-recorded polite behaviors, drug-addled memories, racist paranoia, half-baked schemes and a vague but inescapable guilt that he struggles to hide under a thin veil of innocent snafu, as if he's no worse for the wear and tear of life than anyone else. I'm not surmising, these are just categories of things that fly out of his mouth from time to inappropriate time.
If there could be any irony to this situation, it would be that I want for him the very thing he wants for himself--non-existence. if he could amble and hitchike his way to the edge of the earth one lonely night when no one would notice, and fall off, quietly, with no fuss, no mess, I might feel a twinge of respect for him. As it is, where there should be absolutely no feeling at all, there is a bitter disdain that we must actually breathe the same air, share the same reality. i long for the chance to feel, at least, the sadness of a father lost early in life, or a father that i loved and admired but who didn't love me back, or even a father who simply hadn't even wanted me to be born. What I have is one that steals, and warns me to beware of people who only want to use me, who takes advantage of the fact that he is allowed to live unemployed, rent and board free at the age of 50, but warns me that my sour attitude will get me thrown out on the street, whose own mind is so rotten that he can't understand that 50 is no longer childhood, but admonishes me to stand up and take responsibility, whose own body is so broken from decades of needless hard living instead of hard working and disease that he can barely walk, but who preaches that i ought to MAKE time for excercise, as if he knows what it means to be truly busy and to have made all the time one can out of a 24-hour day, AND WHO HAD THE AUDACITY TO TELL ME THAT HE ABANDONED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS CHILDREN BECAUSE HE WANTED THEM TO BE "FREE" OF THE STRICT 2-PARENT FAMILY MODEL HE SUFFERED WITHIN, AS SOME SORT OF FUCKING EXCUSE. This speck, this fucking diletante of life, of living itself, this wretch who hangs on the thread of indiscriminate grace dangled by society, this leech who has not even the eyes to see that he is a parasite and advocates it as a good way to get by, this sycophantic moron who thinks he is making some kind of contribution by doing menial, unsolicited favors like washing the car or the dishes or doing my laundry or holding the door open for me every time I walk in the house, as if I ought to be struck by his kindness, who can't even take the hint of my coldness and disregard for his life until i deny him a couple of dollars he asked for ever so politely, at which point he goes doe-eyed and befuddled, because no one ever says NO to a fucking panhandler, especially not one so sincere, and who, so simply and predictably, drops the act and remits to his useless, vulgar self the very instant i express my complete lack of need or desire for any of his tiny works of fucking "charity".
That speck, that leech, is no longer within my circle of concern. Although he lives in the living room, he exists to me the same way that any random encylopedia trivia does--an existence for which there is no need for skepticism or devotion, only pure, impractical knowledge. My emotional connection is exactly the same for both.

yeah, that's about it.
i feel much better.
except for the tendonitis

State of the Union

2005-02-02T21:24:00.000-05:00

If you've ever wanted to see a collectivist openly, honestly, and empirically describing his values, you got your wish tonight, you 'n me both. El Presidente has been sounding the alarm on social security like crazy in the past few weeks, as if he actually understood what the problems with it are. In his adress, Bush actually gives up the mathematical breakdown of the SSS's impending bankruptcy-- at its inception, there were about 15 workers paying into SS for every single beneficiary.(aka Old folks) 13 years from now, the ratio of workers to beneficiaries will be about 5:1, and 20 years from now, 3:1. (i might have some of the numbers a tiny bit off, but they are about that drastic, look up a transcript of his speech) My point is that he demonstrated, in no uncertain terms, that in this country you WILL work to support your elders--and as many others as possible. This elicited a unanimously positive response from all present, including a standing ovation. Black, White, Hispanic, Democrat, Republican--alll were pleased, and all confessed a common, fundamental, disgusting premise. YOU--your very person--are a part of this country's capital. Any debt the government incurs, on your behalf or someone else's, will be paid with YOUR life and work. Later on, Bush goes on to say that he is committed to maintaining human dignity in scientific progress, i.e., no cultivation of embryos for organ or cell harvesting. "some lives should not be sacrificed for the benefit of others", he was somehow dumb enough to say after telling every working citizen (with or without grandparents) that they owe money to everyone else's grandparents for no particular reason.

People who have problems with the government at large, objectivists included, are often accused of extremism, drama, and hyperbole. Well, there' s nothing anyone can say now, when it comes to objectivists anyway. Pardon me, I'm a little naive, a little young-- this new openess strikes me. Certainly the country has been in trouble for a good while now in the area of individual rights, but now, I'm alarmed. It's become real to me. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Help Wanted

2005-01-30T10:59:00.000-05:00

You know, it's weird how much opposition there is to people living on their own terms. I mean, why isn't it something everyone wants? From outright dictators to democratic socialist governments to controlling parents, it's as if no one understands, or wants to believe that everyone is a person and that people need to live for themselves. There's no way around that, there just isn't. I can't understand why anyone would feel any other way about it, to me, living for others or other people's principles feels exactly like drowning. Today in the paper's Parade magazine, everyone's favorite cellist, Yo-Yo Ma, was talking about the need to move beyond self-interest. He says that there is more to the cello than practicing, you must "learn about the world" and that you are "part of things bigger than yourself". Yo-Yo has recorded more of the cello repertoire than probably anyone in history; he has 50 albums and 16 grammies. Many of his most recent recordings and projects involve "native" and "tribal" musics from around the world. I'm fine with that-- explore whatever silly, screaming, hooping and hollering "world" music you want, some of it is not so bad, especially the Brazilian album. What I do have a problem with is the assertion that until you assume some sort of position within the "grand scheme of things" (whose scheme is it, exactly?) you are not a whole, happy person. Think of all the people who struggle through autocratic households, governments, and relationships just to have someone of immense credibility (due to his talent and intellect) tell them how empty they are for wanting to be self-interested. Yo-Yo Ma's own parents escaped both autocratic China AND Nazi Europe. They have essentially experienced the worst examples of what Yo-Yo is praising so highly. The lesson to learn here is that, well, there are lots of kinds of intelligence. There's one kind that is rare though, the kind that, upon realization of human nature, wonderful, singular human nature, has the honesty to admit that it is the most important facet of life there is, and that no other facet can contradict it without disatrous results.
I have a lot of standards when it comes to dating men, but I think that the most important one starts with this kind of intelligence. That is why i still have no boyfriend, because when I go against this principle, it always ends badly because it isn't something you can hide from. No compromise can make it possible for you to live with someone who differs on so fundamental a level. one of you knows that you are one person on the planet with one life that you cherish, the other is someone who feels that they can surrender their life to the global society, that people are more important than persons.

So, it's out now why I've broken up with my last two boyfriends, and why I simply don't date. I go out, I get laid (occasionally), then they don't hear from me again. I don't do this often, but what else do I have?

Well, this is a casting call, a help wanted ad. I come from a severely controlling family and have had to struggle to cultivate the identity I wanted, from wanting to be openly gay to wanting to be openly talented, openly intelligent, opnely self-interested, openly atheist, openly me. If you're the guy who undertands this, and who understands that it isn't just an odd little idiosyncracy, but the best quality of being human, then let's get together. If you want.

2005-01-29T19:09:00.000-05:00

What's up with the free photo-hosting not being down with Macs? Apple users aren't good enough to get in on the free goods, huh? Well screw all of you-- it's obvious this is another plot by the Man to keep my beautiful and exotic mug off the net!

I had my first lesson since I got hurt today; it was strange because, well, I couldn't play very much of anything. Carter (my cello teacher) and I talked about how my cello's setup was hurting me--the strings are about half a millimeter too high, and the entire neck is too low in general. i could easily spend close to $1,000 fixing these things, and I have already put more money into the cello than it's worth. That is the hardest part of this business, the equipment and its upkeep. A decent instrument could easily cost as much as my entire post-secondary education, and a great one even more. There are lots of ways to get hold of these instruments even if you don't have the money, but they are acquired primarily by being an exceptional talent and being donated one. Even so, plenty of marvelous talents go without the kinds of instruments they could merit. It's almost enough to make one bitter.

on another, heavier note...

I'm going to post this very important discussion once and only once; you will understand why once you have read it.
It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I do not like religion or religious people. This is, however, not entirely true. I do enjoy and respect devotion, worship, exultation, and sacredness. These are all important, essential human values. What I don't enjoy or respect is irrationality. What I simply cannot stand is the idea that humanity is supposed to be anything more than it is, that human beings are the smallest elements of a larger battle between good and evil. It is such an obvious con-- supposing a completely fictional context for life and then dictating what the requirements of that context are.

What's worse are these religious offshoots, especially of the Christian sort, that claim to be "rational" and "logical". If you've ever run into a memeber of one of these things, then you know how smug and plain annoying they can be. They are utterly convinced that faith is unecessary, and they have all sorts of tenuous arguments that reinforce the idea that God's existence can be "proven". They are typically fierce in debate, and even well read. They are coming to a campus, bookstore, philosophy slam, or liberal arts classroom near you. If you have always been irreligious, simple agnosticism or plain distaste won't be of any help to you. Without being honestly able to say that you DO NOT NEED what they think they have (salvation, happiness beyond what you could cultivate for yourself), you'll probably be sold on it in little or no time at all. I've seen it happen and it isn't pretty.

That said, here's the conclusion I have reached. Every inch of ground you give religious people is an a foot they will easily take. Whether they are trying to convert you, or merely expose you, there's an attitude you must take, to be able to resist: pure, unadulterated indifference. Do not go and try a friendly "debate" with them, sit in on one of their lectures (especially on intelligent design, sheesh!) or respond to their mind-traps in any way. If you must deal with them, treat them gently and cautiously, allowing yourself to express a tinge of pity, as you would any other schizophrenic. Enjoy life completely and without regret. Make mistakes and learn from them. Assume that nothing ever "happens" to you personally: nature is simply playing itself out the way it has to, and people will make the choices their premises and neuroses lead them to make. None of it, even if it affects you, has anything to do with you personally. We, the people of Earth, can no longer afford to humour these people as they are quickly encroaching on our personal space. (Gay marriage, "decency" laws, holy wars...) Always speak up for yourself, without apology, in a situation where God is being posed as a given. I know, it sounds annoying and obnoxious, but it only has to be to them. Don't debate or discuss, simply speak up.
This is the one and only time I will talk about religion, friends. It simply doesn't warrant any more energy, as it is a black hole of unrealizable ideas that will suck up all the energy it can find.
Take care.

Growing up, and up, and up...

2005-01-28T21:31:00.000-05:00

I'll get around to posting a picture soon, so don't despair.

So this week, I sustained my first serious repetitive-strain injury. I have some mild inflammatioin of the elbow tendons, also known (allegedly) as Golfer's elbow. I cannot play the cello very much at all, and when I first realized how serious it was, I became extrememly depressed. If it weren't for the work I've been doing to solidify a solid purpose for living, I may have killed myself. For a few years, the cello was the only reason I got up in ithe morning.

But I've grown up, apparently.
I'm proud to be able to say that now, the reason I live is that my life is worth living. My purpose now is my potential, my potential for anything. It has lifted a huge amount of weight from my shoulders, weight that I put there myself as an intense, competitive, desperately attention-starved child. Did you ever tell yourself that you never wanted to grow up? I did it all the time, because I accepted what it meant to so many confused adults. To them, growing up was assuming responsibility: responsibility to family, society, "God", or any other silly nonsense. It isn't, though.
Growing up is great, because it means accepting responsibility for your happiness and your purpose and everything you want.

I could injure myself beyond repair, and never play again. But playing isn't the most important thing anymore, achieving is.
The paranoid voice in my head says I'm the last person on the planet to realize this, but I know it isn't true.

So, now that i've accepted a reasonable premise for living, and have rejected an unreasonable one, I don't have to care that certain people were happy to hear of my injury because of a certain competition that is coming up in a month. I can be self-interested in a way I did not know before.
This makes life look so different now, so totally different.

being born hurts

2005-01-28T19:46:00.000-05:00

I want this thing so that I have somewhere to say things for my friends to read. It's actually a lot more awkward than I predicted, but I'll work through it. Welcome aboard.