Help Wanted

You know, it's weird how much opposition there is to people living on their own terms. I mean, why isn't it something everyone wants? From outright dictators to democratic socialist governments to controlling parents, it's as if no one understands, or wants to believe that everyone is a person and that people need to live for themselves. There's no way around that, there just isn't. I can't understand why anyone would feel any other way about it, to me, living for others or other people's principles feels exactly like drowning. Today in the paper's Parade magazine, everyone's favorite cellist, Yo-Yo Ma, was talking about the need to move beyond self-interest. He says that there is more to the cello than practicing, you must "learn about the world" and that you are "part of things bigger than yourself". Yo-Yo has recorded more of the cello repertoire than probably anyone in history; he has 50 albums and 16 grammies. Many of his most recent recordings and projects involve "native" and "tribal" musics from around the world. I'm fine with that-- explore whatever silly, screaming, hooping and hollering "world" music you want, some of it is not so bad, especially the Brazilian album. What I do have a problem with is the assertion that until you assume some sort of position within the "grand scheme of things" (whose scheme is it, exactly?) you are not a whole, happy person. Think of all the people who struggle through autocratic households, governments, and relationships just to have someone of immense credibility (due to his talent and intellect) tell them how empty they are for wanting to be self-interested. Yo-Yo Ma's own parents escaped both autocratic China AND Nazi Europe. They have essentially experienced the worst examples of what Yo-Yo is praising so highly. The lesson to learn here is that, well, there are lots of kinds of intelligence. There's one kind that is rare though, the kind that, upon realization of human nature, wonderful, singular human nature, has the honesty to admit that it is the most important facet of life there is, and that no other facet can contradict it without disatrous results.
I have a lot of standards when it comes to dating men, but I think that the most important one starts with this kind of intelligence. That is why i still have no boyfriend, because when I go against this principle, it always ends badly because it isn't something you can hide from. No compromise can make it possible for you to live with someone who differs on so fundamental a level. one of you knows that you are one person on the planet with one life that you cherish, the other is someone who feels that they can surrender their life to the global society, that people are more important than persons.

So, it's out now why I've broken up with my last two boyfriends, and why I simply don't date. I go out, I get laid (occasionally), then they don't hear from me again. I don't do this often, but what else do I have?

Well, this is a casting call, a help wanted ad. I come from a severely controlling family and have had to struggle to cultivate the identity I wanted, from wanting to be openly gay to wanting to be openly talented, openly intelligent, opnely self-interested, openly atheist, openly me. If you're the guy who undertands this, and who understands that it isn't just an odd little idiosyncracy, but the best quality of being human, then let's get together. If you want.

What's up with the free photo-hosting not being down with Macs? Apple users aren't good enough to get in on the free goods, huh? Well screw all of you-- it's obvious this is another plot by the Man to keep my beautiful and exotic mug off the net!

I had my first lesson since I got hurt today; it was strange because, well, I couldn't play very much of anything. Carter (my cello teacher) and I talked about how my cello's setup was hurting me--the strings are about half a millimeter too high, and the entire neck is too low in general. i could easily spend close to $1,000 fixing these things, and I have already put more money into the cello than it's worth. That is the hardest part of this business, the equipment and its upkeep. A decent instrument could easily cost as much as my entire post-secondary education, and a great one even more. There are lots of ways to get hold of these instruments even if you don't have the money, but they are acquired primarily by being an exceptional talent and being donated one. Even so, plenty of marvelous talents go without the kinds of instruments they could merit. It's almost enough to make one bitter.

on another, heavier note...

I'm going to post this very important discussion once and only once; you will understand why once you have read it.
It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I do not like religion or religious people. This is, however, not entirely true. I do enjoy and respect devotion, worship, exultation, and sacredness. These are all important, essential human values. What I don't enjoy or respect is irrationality. What I simply cannot stand is the idea that humanity is supposed to be anything more than it is, that human beings are the smallest elements of a larger battle between good and evil. It is such an obvious con-- supposing a completely fictional context for life and then dictating what the requirements of that context are.

What's worse are these religious offshoots, especially of the Christian sort, that claim to be "rational" and "logical". If you've ever run into a memeber of one of these things, then you know how smug and plain annoying they can be. They are utterly convinced that faith is unecessary, and they have all sorts of tenuous arguments that reinforce the idea that God's existence can be "proven". They are typically fierce in debate, and even well read. They are coming to a campus, bookstore, philosophy slam, or liberal arts classroom near you. If you have always been irreligious, simple agnosticism or plain distaste won't be of any help to you. Without being honestly able to say that you DO NOT NEED what they think they have (salvation, happiness beyond what you could cultivate for yourself), you'll probably be sold on it in little or no time at all. I've seen it happen and it isn't pretty.

That said, here's the conclusion I have reached. Every inch of ground you give religious people is an a foot they will easily take. Whether they are trying to convert you, or merely expose you, there's an attitude you must take, to be able to resist: pure, unadulterated indifference. Do not go and try a friendly "debate" with them, sit in on one of their lectures (especially on intelligent design, sheesh!) or respond to their mind-traps in any way. If you must deal with them, treat them gently and cautiously, allowing yourself to express a tinge of pity, as you would any other schizophrenic. Enjoy life completely and without regret. Make mistakes and learn from them. Assume that nothing ever "happens" to you personally: nature is simply playing itself out the way it has to, and people will make the choices their premises and neuroses lead them to make. None of it, even if it affects you, has anything to do with you personally. We, the people of Earth, can no longer afford to humour these people as they are quickly encroaching on our personal space. (Gay marriage, "decency" laws, holy wars...) Always speak up for yourself, without apology, in a situation where God is being posed as a given. I know, it sounds annoying and obnoxious, but it only has to be to them. Don't debate or discuss, simply speak up.
This is the one and only time I will talk about religion, friends. It simply doesn't warrant any more energy, as it is a black hole of unrealizable ideas that will suck up all the energy it can find.
Take care.

Growing up, and up, and up...

I'll get around to posting a picture soon, so don't despair.

So this week, I sustained my first serious repetitive-strain injury. I have some mild inflammatioin of the elbow tendons, also known (allegedly) as Golfer's elbow. I cannot play the cello very much at all, and when I first realized how serious it was, I became extrememly depressed. If it weren't for the work I've been doing to solidify a solid purpose for living, I may have killed myself. For a few years, the cello was the only reason I got up in ithe morning.

But I've grown up, apparently.
I'm proud to be able to say that now, the reason I live is that my life is worth living. My purpose now is my potential, my potential for anything. It has lifted a huge amount of weight from my shoulders, weight that I put there myself as an intense, competitive, desperately attention-starved child. Did you ever tell yourself that you never wanted to grow up? I did it all the time, because I accepted what it meant to so many confused adults. To them, growing up was assuming responsibility: responsibility to family, society, "God", or any other silly nonsense. It isn't, though.
Growing up is great, because it means accepting responsibility for your happiness and your purpose and everything you want.

I could injure myself beyond repair, and never play again. But playing isn't the most important thing anymore, achieving is.
The paranoid voice in my head says I'm the last person on the planet to realize this, but I know it isn't true.

So, now that i've accepted a reasonable premise for living, and have rejected an unreasonable one, I don't have to care that certain people were happy to hear of my injury because of a certain competition that is coming up in a month. I can be self-interested in a way I did not know before.
This makes life look so different now, so totally different.

being born hurts

I want this thing so that I have somewhere to say things for my friends to read. It's actually a lot more awkward than I predicted, but I'll work through it. Welcome aboard.